How to Set Boundaries and Reclaim Yourself!
If you grew up with at least one emotionally immature parent, chances are you know a thing or two about being a people-pleaser. That sinking feeling when you think someone is upset with you—the way it can feel life-shattering—might be all too familiar.
Growing up with a parent you had to walk on eggshells around—constantly monitoring their moods and adjusting your behaviour to keep the peace—leaves a lasting imprint. Emotionally immature parents often prioritise their own needs over their child’s. If they’ve had a bad day, they might brush off your struggles with playground dynamics by saying something like, “You think that’s bad? Wait until you have to deal with the real world! Let me tell you about my day…”
This kind of emotional invalidation teaches children to see their own problems as insignificant compared to others. They learn to ensure their parent is emotionally okay before even thinking about their own needs. Unfortunately, this pattern often continues into adulthood, leading to a life centred on making others happy—at the cost of your own mental health.
If this resonates with you, don’t fret! People-pleasing doesn’t have to be your life sentence. In this article, we’ll explore the differences between kindness and people-pleasing, how people-pleasing erodes self-esteem, and five actionable steps to help you start setting boundaries today. Let’s dive in.
Kindness vs. People-Pleasing
Kindness is a genuine act of care and compassion. It comes from a place of wanting to help someone, without strings attached.
People-pleasing, on the other hand, often involves sacrificing your own needs to gain approval or avoid conflict. It’s less about generosity and more about fear—fear of disapproval, rejection, or upsetting someone. And the “acceptance” you receive in return? It’s fleeting, lasting only until the next time you feel compelled to please.
Imagine a friend asks you to help them move house. If you say yes because you genuinely want to help, that’s kindness. If you agree out of guilt or fear of saying no, that’s people-pleasing. One leaves you feeling fulfilled; the other often breeds resentment.
It’s important to note that people-pleasing isn’t necessarily about the other person—it’s rooted in patterns laid down during childhood. Even if someone genuinely values and accepts you, those old fears of disapproval can be hard to shake.
The Erosion of Self-Esteem and Identity
When you constantly prioritise others over yourself, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and desires. You might find yourself feeling resentment toward others without fully understanding why.
This disconnect often starts in childhood. Emotionally immature parents may have taught you to suppress your emotions and individuality to keep the peace. You might have been told, “Don’t upset your mother—just nod along,” or, “If you don’t do X, your dad won’t get angry.”
Over time, this conditioning can leave you feeling like you don’t even know who you are anymore. You’ve spent so long trying to keep everyone else happy that you’re unsure of what happiness looks like for you. This can lead to:
Low self-confidence: Always second-guessing your decisions.
Difficulty making choices: Unsure of what you truly want.
Blurred identity: Adapting to what others want you to be, instead of being yourself.
But here’s the good news: it’s never too late to reconnect with yourself and build a life that feels authentic.
5 Actionable Steps
If you’re ready to break free from people-pleasing, here are five steps to help you get started:
Reflect on Your Needs
Take time to identify your values, priorities, and non-negotiables. Notice when something makes you uneasy—what boundary might have been crossed? For example, if your mother-in-law uses a spare key to let herself into your house unannounced and it leaves you feeling uncomfortable, that’s a sign you value privacy and communication.Start Small
Practise setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. Politely decline an invitation or ask for a substitution at a restaurant. Building up these small wins will boost your confidence over time.Use “I” Statements
Frame your boundaries in a way that minimises blame. Instead of saying, “You’re overwhelming me,” try, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some time to recharge.” This reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation constructive.Prepare for Pushback
Some people, especially emotionally immature ones, may resist your boundaries. They’ve benefitted from your people-pleasing in the past, so they might test your limits. Stay firm and remember: healthy boundaries protect relationships—they don’t destroy them.Seek Support
Don’t go it alone. Lean on a trusted friend, partner, or therapist to validate your experiences and keep you accountable. If boundaries are an issue with in-laws or parents, having your partner’s support can be especially helpful.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s a powerful act of self-respect and personal growth. Boundaries don’t block relationships; they create healthier ones.
If someone is upset by your boundaries, it likely means they were benefitting from your lack of them. That’s not a reflection of you doing something wrong—it’s a sign you’re standing up for yourself.
If this article resonates with you, know that change is possible. Pick one small step to implement today and build from there. And remember: you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out for 1:1 support if you’re ready to take your next step toward a happier, healthier you.
