Staying Independent While In A Relationship

There is not really one particular definition of a “healthy” relationship, as it depends on the ever-changing needs of those in the relationship. These needs change from person to person, and as we grow and experience life. So, a healthy relationship in your 20s will look very different from a healthy relationship in your 40s.

These needs include communication, sex, affection, space, shared hobbies, and shared values.

Healthy relationships don’t even need to be traditional relationships. For example, a relationship that is polygamous can still be a healthy relationship, provided there is open and compassionate communication.

Something that comes up a lot in therapy is the challenge of remaining your own person while in a relationship, the challenge of not disappearing into the relationship, the challenge of still being you but also sharing your life with another person (or people).

Some people find that as they get into a new relationship, they start to enjoy the hobbies of the other person and hang out with the other’s friends, and end up disappearing into the other person’s life. Some people even report changing their fashion sense to fit into the relationship. Does this sound familiar?

You might also experience co-dependence within the relationship, which is when one or both parties are excessively dependent, both emotionally and psychologically, on the other. Typically this is when one or both parties have an illness (mental or physical) or an addiction. However, it can happen with the absence of illness or addiction.

Follow Your Passions

Whether your partner shares your passions or not, it is important that you keep them up. You will notice that the needs listed above include shared hobbies. But this does not mean that you can only partake in shared hobbies. You are still allowed (and encouraged) to follow your own passions. By all means, introduce your partner to your hobbies, and have a go at theirs, but if you aren’t interested in each other’s hobbies, then that is okay.

You will notice that the above needs also include “space”, and so use this space to follow your own interests.

Open Communication

All relationships are different; some couples have more time away from each other while others are quite content existing in the same space for hours (if not days) on end. The national lockdowns have certainly tested a lot of couples on this aspect throughout 2020, and into 2021 (although hopefully not for much longer).

However, you should feel comfortable discussing this with your partner. If you want more space and time alone, you should be able to discuss this, and vice versa, if you feel your partner is being distant. The amount of space and alone time that you have in a relationship is going to naturally vary from day to day, so you are going to have to adapt to what is going on at the time.

For example, you might be going through a stressful time at work and this might mean that you either need some time alone to process (perhaps a walk or a nice bubble bath) or it might mean that you need some affection and comfort from your partner (a movie marathon on the sofa or a bottle of wine with a long chat). Both are absolutely fine options, but it is important that you communicate them with your partner.

If you suddenly pull away when you are in a bad mood, your partner might fear that they have done something to upset you. Simply saying “It’s been a long day, do you mind if I soak in the bath for a bit before dinner?” can go a long way.

Spend Time With Friends

Of course, this has been in short supply since March 2020, however it is important to stay connected wherever possible. In pre- (and hopefully post-) Covid times, it is important to spend time outside of the relationship, with friends and loved ones. Yes, it is helpful if your partner gets on with your friends, but there might be some friends that s/he doesn’t quite gel with, and that’s okay. That certainly doesn’t mean that you need to stop seeing your friends.

Equally, you can spend time with your partner’s friends, but you don’t need to swap your friends for theirs. You don’t need to spend every Friday night with your partner, either with their friends or yours. You can alternate as well as spend time separately with your friends. You can also attempt to get both groups together, but this isn’t always necessary.

It might be that you already have the same group of friends (perhaps you got together at school, university, or through work). It if perfectly alright to share a group of friends, as long as you aren’t giving up your friends to appease your partner or vice versa.

Learn Something New

Carve out some time to learn something new every so often - even if it is something that your partner isn’t particularly interested in or doesn’t even believe in. If you want to learn about spirits and crystals, but your partner thinks it is funny - don’t let that stop you. If you want to learn self-defence, trampolining, Mandarin, Reiki, sewing, or anything else for that matter, you don’t need your partner’s permission or approval. This may sound obvious, but there are so many people out there who don’t want to break out of the comfortable relationship bubble to pursue something because they are worried that their partner will think they are being strange, or because it doesn’t fit with who their partner thinks they are. As Nike urges us, Just Do It!

As always, if you would like to book an initial counselling session with me, please click here to get started!