Gaslighting in Friendships
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting has been a buzzword for the last few years. In fact, it was such a commonly used word that it was named as one of Oxford Dictionaries’ words of the year in 2018.
The term “gaslighting” came from a play written in 1938 by Patrick Hamilton (and more recent film adaptations), called Gas Light. During this play, the male character dims the gas lights and then proceeds to convince his wife that she is imagining it.
Nowadays, gaslighting is known as a serious form of psychological and emotional abuse that “involves psychologically manipulating someone to make them doubt their own sanity” (Anat Toffeel, from Solace Woman’s Aid).
It is very often talked about in relation to “romantic” relationships (I have put this in quotation marks because there is nothing romantic about gaslighting), however, it can happen in any kind of interaction, whether it’s work, family, or friends.
Within a “romantic” relationship, it might look like one partner shouting at the other and then later on pretending nothing happened. Or it could be one partner being passive-aggressively angry at the other, but then denying being angry when asked.
Another example is one partner claiming that they asked the other to do something for them when they didn’t, and then getting angry/upset/annoyed that it hasn’t been done. Essentially, anytime one person purposefully manipulates a situation so that another person questions their memory or sanity is a form of gaslighting.
In my opinion, people are likely to get away with it for longer in friendships because we just say “oh it’s just the way they are”. We are likely to excuse friends behaviour, avoid the friend, or simply emotionally detach from the friend rather than confronting them or even ending the friendship.
Signs of Gaslighting in Friendships
Gossip
We all love a bit of gossip, but a gaslighter will wield gossip like a weapon. Gossip gives the gaslighter a feeling of power and control over those around them.
They love to know that they have bits of information about other people that no one else has and that they can use this information to entertain others, to draw others in, and to appear omniscient.
Pay attention to how your friends tell gossip. Are they concerned that a friend lost their job or do they revel in telling the story? Do they appear upset that a friends relationship is on the rocks, or are they entertained by the whole ordeal?
Lying
If a gaslighter doesn’t have any gossip to share, they will simply make some up.
They are not averse to lying if it brings them some entertainment and power within their social circles. They might embellish the truth or they might simply pull something out of thin air.
Inciting
Gaslighters love to witness a fight - even better if they have been able to instigate the fight. As mentioned, a gaslighter will use gossip as a weapon, meaning that they will tell you that someone else has said something bad about you and then watch you confront that person.
Again, if they don’t have any gossip, they will lie to you to start a fight. This serves a few purposes; firstly, it entertains the gaslighter, secondly, it isolates you from others (if you are fighting with others, you will likely depend more on the gaslighter), and thirdly, it gives the gaslighter more power over the social group in general.
Think “divide and conquer” - if there is fighting going on in the group, none of you will have the cohesion to stand up to the gaslighter. You are each attached to the gaslighter but not to each other.
Befriending
The gaslighter will often go to great lengths to get close to those that you are close to. It is all a game to the gaslighter and lends to their omniscient image.
For example, they will get close to your partner, your sibling, your other friends, and soon enough they are telling you bits of gossip about your loved ones that you didn’t even know. They suddenly seem more powerful, more in control, and more all-knowing than anyone else. They seem like someone you might want to stay close to because they know how things work.
However, they are also likely to try to steal these people from you; especially if they know that there are problems in your relationships with them. Again, it is all a game to them.
How to Handle Gaslighting in Friendships?
Emotional Distance
Once you have become aware of a gaslighting friend, spend some time observing how they operate in a group. The least obtrusive option would be to gain some emotional distance from this friend (if you are worried about breaking the friendship group up).
Don’t react when they try to incite an argument, simply say “thank you for letting me know”, and then perhaps do some digging of your own, but don’t follow the gaslighter on blind faith anymore. If they try gossiping with you, you might cut them off with an “I’d rather hear it from them, if they want to share it with me” and walk away.
Confrontation
If the emotional distance isn’t enough to solve what’s going on, it might be time for some confrontation. By this, I don’t mean to necessarily argue with the gaslighting friend, but to ask them if they are aware of what they are doing, why do they do it, what do they hope to get out of it, could they try not doing it in future, and so on.
You might have the support of other friends who have noticed the same behaviour, but it is important that the gaslighter doesn’t feel ganged up on.
Either way, the gaslighting friend is likely to deny, deny, deny, and tell you that it’s all in your head.
Break Up
If the confrontation doesn’t help the situation, then it is probably time to end the friendship. This is likely to be difficult and might lose you a couple of other friends as well. However, if the friendship is impacting your mental health and happiness, then it will be worth it in the long run.
A very likely outcome is that others will eventually figure out what the gaslighter friend is like and will make contact with you again once they have had that realisation.
As always, if you would like to book an initial counselling session with me, please click here to get started!
