What is a Balanced Relationship?
“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct.”
- Gary Chapman.
At the heart of our existence is our need to be intimate with and loved by another. But it can often feel like there are so many obstacles in our way - especially during the Covid-19 pandemic. Finding love has been almost entirely relegated to an online forum, more so than ever before. Remaining in love has possibly taken more commitment and work than ever before, as we have been living in such close quarters with less to distract us, but sometimes more to occupy us.
What I mean by this is that those already in relationships before the first lockdown of 2020 were suddenly living, working, relaxing, and parenting all in close quarters. We didn’t have work and school to break up the day, and we had nothing to pull us away from our partners only to make the evenings that much more special. Some were also home-schooling or occupying children amidst all of this chaos. Some relationships didn’t survive, others became stronger, and here we are going to look at how we can understand our relationships better to help them stand the test of time.
Quality Time
Although you might have been spending more time with your partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have spent more quality time with your partner. How often have you felt like passing ships, one heading into the kitchen to cook while the other heads out for a run or to join a meeting? Equally, spending time doing the same thing, in the same room, might feel like quality time, but it can often fall short. Sitting next to each other on the sofa and bingeing a Netflix show does not actually count as quality time.
Quality time involves connecting with each other on an intellectual, emotional, and intimate level; going for a long walk and talking without distraction, experimenting with a new recipe together, a shared DIY project, and so on. These are all activities in which you are spending more quality time together, not just being in the same room as the other.
Attention
Take the time to get to know your partner on a deeper level. Ask each other more questions: What was the best part of your day? What did you dream about last night? What is your dream holiday right now? Where do you want your career to go? What’s your deepest fear? What was your favourite weekend activity as a child?
The deeper you understand each other, the deeper your connection grows. As Gary Chapman says, real love is “an act of will and requires discipline, and it recognises the need for personal growth.” The discipline of real love is to know that it needs work and attention.
Kindness
I was listening to Jay Shetty’s On Purpose podcast the other day (episode #221 if you’re interested), which was a conversation between himself and his wife, Radhi Devlukia Shetty. In it, she asked him something along the lines of “What goes through your mind when you do something for me?”. She admitted, within that question, that she feels like a “brat” or lazy sometimes as she asks for things that would be easier for her to do herself (i.e. turning off the light when she is closer to the switch). She also noted that sometimes she is just thinking about it out loud, not specifically asking him (i.e. “Urgh, I should have turned the light off before getting in bed”), but that he would do it anyway.
Anywho, he answered that, yes, his first thought is sometimes a bit of annoyance or thinking she is being lazy, but that his “monk brain” then kicks in and he reminds himself that sometimes people need to feel loved in different ways, and one of these ways is to have things done for them. So while it would be easier for her to get up and turn the light off, he would still do it for her if that helps her feel loved and supported at that moment.
Now, of course, this has the potential to turn into one person doing everything for the other and having nothing done for them in return. However, it can be worth having this discussion with your partner, or even listening to this podcast episode together (I would highly recommend it). You might ask your partner “what do I do for you that makes you feel supported?”, “When do you feel most loved by me?”, or “what makes you feel cherished?”
Balance
Having a balanced relationship doesn’t mean that everything is 50/50 at any given moment. It means that things are roughly 50/50 in general. Some weeks you might need more from your partner than you can give, and other weeks it might be the opposite. Perhaps one of you has a big deadline at work, is suffering from anxiety attacks, or has been doing the night feeds. The other might need to pick up the slack - and by this, I don’t just mean the physical jobs such as cooking and cleaning, but also the emotional slack.
Another way to look at it is what you each bring to the relationship. Perhaps one of you is great at organising dates and get-togethers with friends, or is enjoys cooking more than the other, or is better at organising the finances. Perhaps one of you is more adept at managing the emotional aspect of the relationship while the other holds the more practical side (i.e. finding a place to live, organising holidays, etc). We each have different strengths and weaknesses, and can’t be all things to each other. A balanced and healthy relationship will be forever in flux and held together by strong communication.
As always, if you would like to book an initial counselling session with me, please click here to get started!
