The Legacy of a Narcissistic Parent

Children need to feel loved, seen, heard, and known. This highest form of love is unconditional love - knowing that you are loved even if you are being told off, knowing that you are loved even if you are misbehaving.

Children learn when parents mirror their feelings and help them understand their experiences. For example, a parent might say to their child “I understand you’re upset. It’s alright to be upset, it wasn’t a nice thing that happened.” When narcissism interferes, the mirror is reversed. Narcissistic parents need their kids to mirror them. A narcissistic parent might say “There’s no need to be upset, it’s a happy day."

What is Narcissism?

Before we go any further, it’s important to understand what Narcissism is. Narcissism is on a spectrum, and can actually be at healthy levels in some people.

Healthy levels of narcissism are basically good self-esteem. It is when you believe in yourself and your skills, and your self-evaluation is realistic (i.e. you don’t think you are the absolute best at everything when you are actually a beginner). You are able to understand other people’s feelings and emotions, and can empathise with them. Criticism doesn’t devastate you or cause you to throw a tantrum. Essentially, your sense of self can withstand the ups and downs of other people’s opinions.

Unhealthy, or malignant, narcissism is the other end of the spectrum. Someone who has malignant narcissism has a very fragile sense of self. They are overly self-involved and have a very inflated sense of their abilities, which hides a profound vulnerability and shame. Their sense of self is fuelled by praise and compliments and yet threatened by criticism and negative feedback. Honest feedback can trigger extreme anger.

Anyone can have one or two narcissistic traits, but it doesn’t mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Tip Toeing

Narcissistic parents have a profound need for attention and praise, which subverts everyone else’s needs, including their children. The narcissistic parent will take their children’s feelings or actions personally; they feel that everything their child does is a reflection of them. If their child is unhappy about something at school, the parent might get angry with them, demanding to know “haven’t I done enough for you?”

Parents with narcissistic tendencies are so sensitive to praise and admiration that they are overly sensitive to any perceived criticism, or even to any lack of admiration. The parent might demand to know “Isn’t the dinner I made for you delicious?” before their child has even taken a bite. The child, learning what happens when they don’t agree, will readily agree and make “yummy” noises to ensure that their parent is happy.

Children of parents with narcissistic tendencies learn to tiptoe around their parents, trying not to trigger any anger or upset or, worse, have their parent withdraw their love.

A narcissistic parent won’t hesitate to hold a grudge against anyone, even their child.

Emotional Parenting

The child of a narcissistic parent will also pick up on the emotional vulnerability of their parent. They will compliment their parent or try to be a perfect reflection of them. This is the classic in movies; the son or daughter who tried to do everything perfectly so that their parent will be happy; the child who is the sports star at school or the prom queen so that their parent will be happy.

The child hopes that by taking care of their parent, they will buoy their parent enough that he or she will eventually get back to taking care of them. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to happen or, if it does happen, the parent is likely to need taking care of again very soon.

With all of the emotional care directed from the child to the parent, rather than vice versa, the child is likely to lose track of their own emotional needs. Initially, they will hide any upset, anger, or frustration in order to ensure that their parent is okay and happy. Eventually, they will note ven feel the upset, anger, or frustration that comes with everyday stresses.

Therefore, as these children grow up, they often have trouble trusting their instincts or expressing their feelings. They will likely also have trouble setting boundaries with others, as their boundaries with their parent were so blurred. When these children are grown up, they often struggle to assert themselves in relationships for a fear of love being taken away.

Repeated Patterns

Above, we have looked at how a narcissistic parent can take a child’s full attention, energy, love, and care, but narcissism can show itself in a very different way: neglect.

Parents with narcissistic traits can be so self-obsessed that their children feel invisible. They might say things like “I don’t have time to deal with you today, I’ve had a bad day” or “I’m having such a good day, don’t ruin it for me”.

These children can grow up with such an unstable sense of self that they end up being narcissists themselves.

When you are raised in a family where the emphasis is on being better, brighter, richer, prettier, than everyone else, you may internalise these values. This means that as you separate from your family in adulthood, these values still hold true. Your whole purpose then becomes one-upping those around you rather than finding your own passion and purpose.

Another reason that children of narcissists can grow up to become narcissists is that they have grown up learning that in order to deserve love and attention from their parent, they needed to be an extension of their parent’s efforts at being “the best”. Again, this is the classic from Hollywood movies; the child learns that by being the captain of the football team or the most popular kid in school, they will get the love and attention of their parent. They will have lived up to their parent’s expectations.

Of course, this isn’t the case for all children of narcissistic parents. Some will remain quiet, in the background, orbiting around the parent and buoying them so that they feel good, while others will make themselves bigger, better, and more successful in order to deserve the parent’s love.

Image

The narcissistic family is all about outward image. They care so deeply about how others view them that they will naturally lie to others to make themselves look better. The children will start to also tell these lies, without realising why. Partially they will continue the lies so as not to embarrass the parent and trigger an outburst. For example, the parent might say something like “oh we all just get on so well.” when, in reality, there are screaming matches almost every night.

Children who grow up in such a household will learn that some things are considered good, and others not. And that being associated with those things that are considered not good will cause the narcissistic parent to take away their love.

As always, if you would like to book an initial counselling session with me, please click here to get started!