Signs Someone Was Raised By A Narcissist

We discussed, in the previous blog, the legacy that growing up with a narcissistic parent can have. In this blog, we are going to look at some of the signs that someone was raised by a narcissistic parent.

What is Narcissism?

Before we go any further, it’s important to understand what Narcissism is. Narcissism is on a spectrum, and can actually be at healthy levels in some people.

Healthy levels of narcissism are basically good self-esteem. It is when you believe in yourself and your skills, and your self-evaluation is realistic (i.e. you don’t think you are the absolute best at everything when you are actually a beginner). You are able to understand other people’s feelings and emotions, and can empathise with them. Criticism doesn’t devastate you or cause you to throw a tantrum. Essentially, your sense of self can withstand the ups and downs of other people’s opinions.

Unhealthy, or malignant, narcissism is the other end of the spectrum. Someone who has malignant narcissism has a very fragile sense of self. They are overly self-involved and have a very inflated sense of their abilities, which hides a profound vulnerability and shame. Their sense of self is fuelled by praise and compliments and yet threatened by criticism and negative feedback. Honest feedback can trigger extreme anger.

Anyone can have one or two narcissistic traits, but it doesn’t mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The Signs

Low Self-Esteem

Someone who was raised by a narcissistic parent will likely have low self-esteem. Narcissistic parents raise their children to believe that their authentic self is somehow flawed. These children spend so much of their lives trying to be what their parents want them to be, and taking care of the parent’s emotional needs, that it is difficult to keep in touch with who they are and what they need as individuals.

Growing up, anything that doesn’t match or coincide with the parent’s needs or viewpoints is dismissed and belittled. The child is often shamed for having their own opinions, hobbies, or interests. Therefore, in adulthood, they will likely be shy about sharing their interests with others, or even about following their own interests in the first place. This will leave them with an ongoing sense of inadequacy.

Chronic Shame

Narcissists are extremely shame-averse and often project their shame onto others. Children are extremely sensitive to shaming and will often internalise these feelings, carrying them around with them into adulthood.

As discussed above, the child of a narcissistic parent often has to hide their true selves in order to accommodate the parent. The child must choose between sacrificing themselves and losing the parent’s love. If they express opposing opinions, the parent might hate them, so it is best to bury their opinions in order to keep the parent’s love. The internalised consequences are the long-standing belief that the [now] adult’s real self is unlovable.

Sensitivity to Criticism

Narcissist’s experience their children as an extension of themselves, and therefore, in order to maintain an inflated and positive sense of self, their offspring need to be perfect. This means that the parent is always uncomfortable with mistakes being made and the imperfections that come with being human. Narcissistic parents rarely accept failure and will nitpick, criticise, and berate mediocrity in their children.

As a result of growing up this way, adult children of narcissistic parents are likely to be very sensitive to criticism. Innocent feedback or a negative appraisal can send them into a spiral of self-doubt, shame, and self-judgement.

One-Sided Relationships

Children’ of narcissists often grow up witnessing an unhealthy relationship between their parents. They have also grown up being emotionally abused, neglected, and rejected by their parent[s]. However, children will forgive their parents almost anything and will often put in all of the necessary work, and more, in order to maintain a relationship with their parents.

This means that when they enter adult relationships, they will put in 150% in order to “earn” the love from the other person. They will have a hard time believing that the other person will love them as they are (because of the shame and low self-esteem discussed above). They might also be attracted to people similar to their parent[s], and be drawn in by tiny breadcrumbs of affection. Because of all of these factors, they are very susceptible to being exploited in relationships.

Mental Health

Due to a lack of agency and feelings of helplessness growing up, children of narcissists can develop feelings of depression and anxiety as they grow up.

Narcissistic parents are often authoritarian and can dominate their children, resulting in a sense that they will be punished for taking action on their own behalf. Therefore, when things inevitably go wrong in their lives, they can be left feeling paralysed, thinking that nothing they do will make a difference.

Narcissistic parents also don’t manage their own negative emotions, such as anxiety, very well. This means that they don’t model self-soothing well, and also don’t teach their children how to self-soothe. These adult children also experience anxiety due to their perfectionism, with fears around criticism and performance anxiety dominating their social interactions.

For adult children of narcissists, it is not enough to treat the surface level symptoms of anxiety and depression. They need to deal with the underlying trauma and lack of sense of self.

Lack of Boundaries

Children of narcissists don’t develop good boundaries growing up, because boundaries are an inconvenience to narcissists. Narcissistic families practice enmeshment and individuals in these families aren’t allowed to develop or have a healthy sense of themselves as separate and autonomous.

Because narcissists generally view their children as an extension of themselves, they discourage any attempts by the child to separate or express their individuality, including having boundaries.

As a result of this “training,” adult children of narcissists often have trouble saying “no” as well as hearing it and will be attracted to unhealthy relationships where enmeshment is the status quo.

Difficulties with Anger

Narcissistic parents are often angry. They normally won’t express their anger in a healthy way. Sometimes, they will be verbally abusive, belittling and sarcastic. These passive-aggressive ways of expressing anger are used to humiliate and control children.

People raised in these environments can be fearful or easily intimidated. They may be unable to express their own anger in healthy ways and are at risk of becoming bullies or alternatively “pushovers” who don’t know how to set limits.

The narcissistic parent teaches their child that anger is not OK. This then teaches the child to be afraid of other people’s anger, and their own.

Self-Destructive Behaviour

Children of narcissists often self-soothe through problematic habits. Drinking, smoking, gambling, overeating, drugs and sex addiction can provide some respite from the painful feelings leftover from childhood trauma, but the price is very high.

Adult children of narcissists can also be self-destructive and sabotage their careers or healthy relationships because they feel they don’t deserve success or happiness.

Competitiveness

Narcissistic parents have unreasonable expectations of their children. They need their children to reflect well on them. They can drive their offspring to achieve, competing and hoping to succeed in a desperate attempt to win their parent’s love.

Siblings in narcissistic families will often be pitted against one another, competing for the tiny crumbs of affection offered by their parents.

Adult children of narcissists can often be left with the need to base their self-worth on their achievements, trying in vain to win the affection of their narcissistic parents.

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