‘Narcissistic abuse is a chronic pattern of disrespect, devaluation, and degradation. It’s psychological warfare and manipulation, and can often result in you losing sight of your dreams, your finances, and sometimes even your sanity and your life.’

It is very likely that if you’re in a narcissistic relationship, you would have noticed some red flags at various stages. Maybe your partner was manipulative, played on your emotions, was gaslighting you, would blame you for things you didn’t do…

Anyone can find themselves n a relationship with a narcissist, especially a grandiose narcissist, who will be charming, charismatic, and manipulative. However, if you repeatedly find yourself in relationships with narcissists, it is likely that this isn’t a coincidence, and that there is something deeper at play here.

There are some traits of narcissism that are common to both males and females, such as their grandiose sense of themselves masking their low self-esteem, or their tendency to treat others with contempt to make themselves look and feel better. Both male and female narcissists also tend to be completely self-interested; only doing something for others if they can see the benefits to themselves.

Everyone is on the narcissism spectrum, from a healthy sense of self-confidence to a malignant sense of superiority over others. If you notice that you do have some of these traits or recognise some of these behaviours in yourself, it is not the end of the world. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have a personality disorder.

Typically, narcissists follow a pattern of three stages in romantic relationships; love bombing, devaluation, and discarding. The length of each stage and each cycle will depend on the person and the particular relationship, and perhaps what is going on in their lives outside of the relationship as well, but generally, the pattern seems to fit.

Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, heard, or validated. This is because they don’t generally grasp the concept of feelings. They generally understand their own emotions, but not the emotions of others.

Narcissistic parents raise their children to believe that their authentic self is somehow flawed. These children spend so much of their lives trying to be what their parents want them to be, and taking care of the parent’s emotional needs, that it is difficult to keep in touch with who they are and what they need as individuals.

Children need to feel loved, seen, heard, and known. This highest form of love is unconditional love - knowing that you are loved even if you are being told off, knowing that you are loved even if you are misbehaving.