Relationship Patterns of a Narcissist
What is Narcissism?
We’ve spent some time looking at how being raised by a narcissist can impact you as an adult, and what signs to look out for if you feel like the person that you are dating is a narcissist. Today, we are taking a further look into the general relationship patterns that a narcissist will follow.
Before we begin, I feel that it is important to note that anyone can have one or two narcissistic traits, but it doesn’t mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NPD to be diagnosed:
grandiose sense of self-importance
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
the belief they are special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people or institutions
need for excessive admiration
sense of entitlement
interpersonally exploitative behaviour
lack of empathy
envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes.
Typically, narcissists follow a pattern of three stages in romantic relationships; love bombing, devaluation, and discarding. The length of each stage and each cycle will depend on the person and the particular relationship, and perhaps what is going on in their lives outside of the relationship as well, but generally, the pattern seems to fit.
Love Bombing
Love bombing comes first and is the stage at the beginning of the relationship in which the person showers you with attention and affection. They might plan extravagant dates, buy you gifts, be great at keeping in contact, and so on. It is the Hollywood romance that you’ve always dreamt of.
The narcissist, during this stage, will tell you how great you are, that you’re the only one who understands them, and that you mean everything to them. You will likely feel amazing during this stage of the relationship and will likely start to form a strong attachment to them and the relationship.
You might be thinking that this sounds great and there is nothing wrong with it, however it is only the beginning. One of the warning signs is that the narcissist will be quick to profess their love for you, and keen to move on to the next stage of the relationship. They might propose moving in together, getting married, having kids, or a combination of these within a matter of weeks or months.
Common phrases in this stage of the relationship will include:
- “I’ve never met anyone like you before”
- “No one gets me like you do.”
- “We don’t need anyone else.”
- “You’re my soul mate”
- “We’ll be together forever”
Devaluation
Once you start to show an attachment to the narcissist, showing that you are bonding emotionally with them, the narcissist will know that you are hooked. You are invested in the relationship and therefore, they no longer feel the need to love-bomb you.
Devaluing will often start with subtle digs that will lower your self-esteem, but if you challenge them, they will claim that they are just joking, and might accuse you of being too sensitive. This gaslighting will cause you to question yourself and possibly feel guilty for challenging them in the first place.
As your self-esteem lowers and they erode your boundaries, these digs will get less and less subtle, and more and more frequent. You will start to wonder what you’ve done to deserve this and might start trying to change part of yourself to avoid these negative comments and get back to the romantic relationship you had during the love-bombing stage.
They might start to get more controlling and dominating, taking up all of the energy in the relationship and leaving none for you. If you get to the point that you’ve had enough and threaten to leave the relationship, they will quickly revert to the love-bombing phase - narcissists hate to be single! Again, the love-bombing stage will only last until they feel you are emotionally hooked again, and they will then revert back to the devaluation stage. This is typical of abusive relationships, whether or not the person is a narcissist.
Your relationship will jump between these two stages over and over again, and with each cycle, you will often spend less time in the love-bombing stage and more time in the devaluation stage.
As this goes on, your self-confidence will diminish, and you will likely experience depression and/or anxiety. You might begin to accept the devaluing as something that you deserve (‘or else why would they do it’ you might think), and hold on to hope that the romantic days will return.
Common phrases in this stage of the relationship will include:
- “You’re too sensitive”
- “You’re crazy”
- “No wonder no one else likes you”
- “Even though they don’t like you, I always stand up for you.”
- “You’re so insecure”
- “I don’t like your friends, they aren’t good enough for you.”
- “I can’t believe you enjoy this”
- “Your family doesn’t like me, I don’t think we should see them as much.”
Discard
Once the narcissist has driven you to your lowest point, they will suddenly decide that they no longer want to be in a relationship with you. However, before they do, they will tear you down even further, ensuring that they leave the relationship feeling like the “winner”. Remember, the most important thing to a narcissist is that they are the best, and are seen as the best by others.
Common phrases in this stage of the relationship will include:
- “I’m the best you’ll ever have”
- “No one else will love you like I do”
- “This is all your fault”
If you’ve been through a relationship like this and would like to get some support to process it, please click here to get started!
