Can Women Be Narcissists?
Research has shown that, while many disorders such as depression and anxiety are more common in women, narcissism is the exact opposite. It is more prevalent in men, with 7.7% of the male population being diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder compared to 4.8% of the female population.
This could be based on how men and women are seen in our society. Despite progress, we still live in a very patriarchal society, where we are more likely to tolerate narcissistic behaviours from men than from women. For example, the male boss who is confident and assertive would often be described as big-headed and aggressive if they were female.
Similarities
There are some traits of narcissism that are common to both males and females, such as their grandiose sense of themselves masking their low self-esteem, or their tendency to treat others with contempt to make themselves look and feel better. Both male and female narcissists also tend to be completely self-interested; only doing something for others if they can see the benefits to themselves.
Gender Differences
Much of what I’ve written about before covers the behaviours and traits of male narcissists. Because narcissism is much more common, much of the research and literature describes male traits of narcissism. You can read more about it here.
So here I am going to explain how narcissism can show up in females specifically.
First of all, it is important to understand what drives a female narcissist. While males are driven by power and control, females are more often driven by looks and admiration. It makes sense then that female narcissists tend to manipulate others using their looks and sexual charm, while males often use mind games.
It is worth mentioning, at this point, that female narcissists can use mind games, and male narcissists can use their looks to manipulate others. What we are talking about here is the majority of cases - not all.
Traits of Female Narcissists
A common characteristic of female narcissism is their need to gossip and character assassinate others - especially those who they perceive as a threat to them.
Female narcissists seem to get pleasure when they bring others down. It makes them feel better about themselves, and so they will often make snide remarks or use backhanded compliments to drag other people down. For example, they might say “that was a really good effort, but maybe you should stick to x”, and they will make sure to say it in front of others.
There is not much space between love and hate for a female narcissist. She will love you with all of her heart when you are good to her, follow her rules, and prop her up, but as soon as you go against her or try to poke a hole in her grandiose exterior, she will despise you.
A female narcissist will be extremely competitive with her friends - meaning that she (and her friends) can never relax into the friendship. There is always a hierarchy, oneupmanship, and bickering. Think about Blair Waldorf in Gossip Girl. She is a classic female narcissist - she has literal minions doing her bidding, who can never feel like they are equal to her and if they try (like Jenny Humphries) they will be shunned. Another classic female narcissist is Regina George in Mean Girls. She has two loyal minions (who don’t really like her some of the time but still do her bidding), and when Cady goes against her, she is made into a social pariah.
As well as competing against her friends, the female narcissist will pit her friends against each other. They can never be comfortable with their place in the group - always vying to be the narcissist’s right-hand woman (as there is a perceived sense of safety in this position).
As one might expect, a female narcissist is overly concerned with her appearance. She might obsess over her social media profile, spend a copious amount of time doing her makeup or choosing outfits, and even come up with a signature look (much like Blair Waldorf and her headbands, or Regina George and her “on Wednesday’s we wear pink”).
A female narcissist is likely to ignore conventional boundaries in order to create drama and bring attention to herself. For example, she may purposefully fall into a love triangle, or encourage exes and admirers to stay attached to her. You might try to set boundaries with a female narcissist, such as with your time, money, feelings, etc, but she will find ways to cross them and to make you feel guilty for setting those boundaries in the first place.
As with male narcissists, female narcissists expect to be treated better than others. They expect to be given free passes for their behaviour, upgrades, and admiration. She will do anything to ensure she gets these things and will be outraged if it doesn’t go her way. Think about Regina George; she spread rumours and gossip about everyone in her school including herself, inciting a school riot, in order to be adored and admired by everyone around her again.
Although appearing to be very confident, female narcissists - like male narcissists - have very shaky confidence and self-esteem. Their confidence covers their insecurities and rampant jealousy. Once someone pokes a well-directed hole in their facade, they will either crumble or lash out. Again, think about Blair Waldorf; she exudes confidence and power but is often shown to be very jealous of her supposed best friend Serena, for whom everything appears so easy. Blair is also shown to suffer from Bulimia which, while it could be assumed to be about vanity, was actually shown to be about scrambling for control when she feels she has none.
Everyone is on the narcissism spectrum, from a healthy sense of self-confidence to a malignant sense of superiority over others. If you notice that you do have some of these traits or recognise some of these behaviours in yourself, it is not the end of the world. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have a personality disorder. Accepting that you have the problem and wanting to start counselling means you are already halfway there.
If you think you have some of these traits, or have been impacted by someone who does, and would like to get some support to process it, please click here to get started!
