How Do I Know If I’m a Narcissist?
What is Narcissism?
Before we go any further, it’s important to understand what Narcissism is. Narcissism is on a spectrum, and can actually be at healthy levels in some people.
Healthy levels of narcissism are basically good self-esteem. It is when you believe in yourself and your skills, and your self-evaluation is realistic (i.e. you don’t think you are the absolute best at everything when you are actually a beginner). You are able to understand other people’s feelings and emotions, and can empathise with them. Criticism doesn’t devastate you or cause you to throw a tantrum. Essentially, your sense of self can withstand the ups and downs of other people’s opinions.
Unhealthy, or malignant, narcissism is the other end of the spectrum. Someone who has malignant narcissism has a very fragile sense of self. They are overly self-involved and have a very inflated sense of their abilities, which hides a profound vulnerability and shame. Their sense of self is fuelled by praise and compliments and yet threatened by criticism and negative feedback. Honest feedback can trigger extreme anger.
Anyone can have one or two narcissistic traits, o have narcissistic traits at a low level, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NPD to be diagnosed:
grandiose sense of self-importance
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
the belief they are special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people or institutions
need for excessive admiration
sense of entitlement
interpersonally exploitative behaviour
lack of empathy
envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes.
What signs should I look out for?
I can already hear you; It’s all very well looking at a list of diagnostic criteria, but what does this mean for me? How do I know whether I am a narcissist?
Well, here is a list of things that you can look out for in yourself to see whether you might have elevated levels of narcissistic traits.
You have an inflated sense of superiority and entitlement. In other words, you often feel like you are better than those around you. Smarter, prettier, stronger, more well-liked… than others. You won’t settle for anything less than what you believe 4you deserve, and often this will be an almost impossible standard to meet.
You feel an excessive need for praise and admiration. You might constantly refresh your social media to check how many likes you’re getting, or find yourself asking things like “don’t you like this meal I cooked?” or “Isn’t my dress so pretty?”. You will likely surround yo0urself with people who shower you in admiration. Perhaps this means hanging out with slightly younger friends, or with the newer hires at work. You might also embellish stories so that your role in the story inspires awe and admiration in those around you.
Perfectionism. Everything needs to be done “perfectly” (I.e. how you envisioned it) or it’s “worthless”. You might expect others to comply with your wishes and whims, and hold them to an impossibly high standard.
Lack of empathy. You struggle to understand how others might feel things differently from you. For example, someone might be upset by something that you said or did, but you don’t understand why that would upset them. If someone said or did that same thing to you, it wouldn’t upset you.
You need to be in control. Whether it’s planning a holiday, date night, or the family finances, you feel the need to be in control and can’t stand when someone else holds the reigns. You might find it difficult to work under somebody else or to take orders from a manager.
You’re easily provoked. You feel unable to deal with criticism, perceived slights or disagreements. It doesn’t take much for someone to set you off into a rage or fit of tears. They might simply be providing feedback, but in the moment it feels like an intentional dig at you as a person.
You’re selfish. You like to be the centre of attention, and struggle to stay focused when someone else is telling a story that doesn’t involve you. You might find yourself thinking of ways to bring the topic back around to you, or of how you might insert yourself into the story.
You often feel hypersensitive, defensive, and anxious. This is similar to number 6 on our list. You will likely feel this more in situations where you are slightly unsure of yourself, such as when you start a new job or are around people that you don’t know well. You're almost waiting for someone to offend you or judge you in some way, so you are quick to lash out when you think this has happened.
You think others always need a favour from you. In your eyes, you are the provider of many things for others, whether it’s money, popularity, power, control, and so on, you feel like people come to you to ask for things.
Exploiting others without guilt or shame. You might use others for what they have or to do your bidding for you. Perhaps you guilt-trip a colleague into covering your shift, with no intention of paying them back or allow fellow students to do all of the work on a group project and take most of the credit for their work.
You frequently demean others. This is a way of making yourself feel better and to seem better in other people. You might find yourself being quite patronising to others, or making them question their capabilities.
You’re intimidated by those who you perceive to be stronger than you. It might be that they hold a higher position at work, or they have a higher following on social media or in real life, but any kind of strength or power is a problem. It threatens your power and authority over others around you.
You fantasise about power, beauty, brilliance, and ideal love. You have an idea in your head of the life that you want, even if it is wildly out of your current reach, and it pains you that you don’t have it now. You fantasise about it by constantly looking at images of it (i.e. on social media or following vloggers or bloggers who portray that lifestyle). You might obsessively follow celebrities who have the kind of beauty or authority that you crave.
You ignore facts or opinions that don’t match your own. In fact, someone presenting a differing opinion is perceived as a snub or an insult to you and your intelligence.
You refuse to change your behaviour, no matter how much chaos it brings to your life. You might lose friends or have fights with family members, but you can’t bring yourself to change your behaviour or to even see your behaviour as the problem. In fact, you might find yourself blaming others for your behaviour. Have you ever found yourself stating “You made me shout?” or “Look what you made me do?!”
As mentioned at the beginning. Everyone is on the narcissism spectrum, from a healthy sense of self-confidence to a malignant sense of superiority over others. If you notice that you do have some of these traits or recognise some of these behaviours in yourself, it is not the end of the world. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have a personality disorder. Accepting that you have the problem and wanting to start counselling means you are already halfway there.
As always, if you would like to book an initial counselling session with me, please click here to get started!
