Why Am I Attracted to Narcissists?
Anyone can find themselves n a relationship with a narcissist, especially a grandiose narcissist, who will be charming, charismatic, and manipulative. However, if you repeatedly find yourself in relationships with narcissists, it is likely that this isn’t a coincidence, and that there is something deeper at play here. There is something, probably subconsciously, that is driving you towards narcissistic partners, or that is pulling them towards you. It might be that you are being driven by repeating patterns from the past, or that you are meeting some need, however self-destructive that may be.
So, today, we are going to look at what these driving factors might be, and how you can guard against falling for another narcissistic partner in the future.
If you’d like to read more about the relationship patterns of narcissists, or signs that the person you’re dating might be a narcissist, click the links to read more and see if you recognise any of the signs.
Before we go any further, it’s important to understand what Narcissism is. Narcissism is on a spectrum, and can actually be at healthy levels in some people.
Healthy levels of narcissism are basically good self-esteem. It is when you believe in yourself and your skills, and your self-evaluation is realistic (i.e. you don’t think you are the absolute best at everything when you are actually a beginner). You are able to understand other people’s feelings and emotions, and can empathise with them. Criticism doesn’t devastate you or cause you to throw a tantrum. Essentially, your sense of self can withstand the ups and downs of other people’s opinions.
Unhealthy, or malignant, narcissism is the other end of the spectrum. Someone who has malignant narcissism has a very fragile sense of self. They are overly self-involved and have a very inflated sense of their abilities, which hides a profound vulnerability and shame. Their sense of self is fuelled by praise and compliments and yet threatened by criticism and negative feedback. Honest feedback can trigger extreme anger.
Anyone can have one or two narcissistic traits, but it doesn’t mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Reasons you’re attracted to narcissists… or they’re attracted to you!
Our Parents
Many of those who attract narcissistic partners as adults have experienced some form of narcissistic abuse in childhood. Either one or both narcissistic parent(s) teach us that the world, and people in it, are a certain way. We experience love and affection from our narcissistic parent(s) only when we act a certain way, and so we learn that we have to bend and mould to the other person in order to be loved. Our perception of ourselves and the world around us is based on what our parents showed us and taught us.
If this sounds familiar, it is perfectly understandable that you would choose a partner who confirms these beliefs that you’ve grown up with. A partner who lets you do whatever you want or who doesn’t attempt to manipulate and control you might come across as uncaring or disinterested in the relationship.
2. Our Self-Esteem
It might sound counter-intuitive, but if you have low self-esteem, you might be attracted to partners who confirm your low self-esteem by putting you down. Unfortunately, we accept the love we think we deserve. On the flip side, you may be attracted to narcissistic partners because of their confidence and charm. They can introduce you to their life of excitement and supposed glamour, making you feel amazing - but only when you’re with them.
If you have low self-esteem, narcissists can look as if they are coming to your rescue. The way that narcissistic relationships tend to start out is with “love-bombing”, which involves the narcissist throwing affection, attention, and care at you. they might take you for fancy dinners, say “I love you” quite quickly, ask you to move in with them, buy you gifts and flowers, and so on. Someone with low self-esteem might be overwhelmed by this outpouring of love and affection and will do anything to get more of it, even putting up with manipulative and unacceptable behaviour later down the line.
3. Co-dependent Tendencies
If you are a people pleaser, who likes others to need them, likes to be indispensable to others, you may find that you are attracted to narcissists and that they are attracted to you.
Someone with narcissistic tendencies will be able to identify others who will allow them to be dominant in the relationship. This means that if they see you as someone who will be overly accommodating to their needs, will allow them to be in control, they will be more attracted to you. If you are someone who will love and adore a partner no matter what, fulfilling their needs while mostly ignoring your own, then a narcissistic person will see you as the ideal partner.
4. Empathic
Someone who is highly empathic might be drawn to narcissists, and vice versa, as narcissists rely on being the sole focus of their partner’s attention. An empathic person will naturally appeal to a narcissistic person as they will know that the empathic partner will want to be there for them, will want to “rescue” them, and so on. If you read more about the relationship patterns of a narcissist, you will see that common phrases include “No one gets me like you do”, “no one else understands me”, and “I’ve never met anyone like you before”. This will likely feed the ego of the empathic partner, making them feel needed, wanted, and appreciated.
Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being empathic and caring about others, but this is a quality that the narcissist will latch onto and manipulate to suit their needs.
5. Naivety
Someone who hasn’t grown up around, or spent much time with, manipulative people, will be less likely to see the signs of manipulation, and will therefore be more trusting of their partner. It might take them much longer to notice that the relationship isn’t healthy or that there is something wrong.
How To Stop Attracting Narcissists
Set Firm Boundaries.
As I said, there’s nothing wrong with being empathic and caring, but you need to ensure that these qualities are not being taken advantage of. You need to ensure that you are caring for people who also truly care for you. It is important to figure out exactly what you are and aren’t willing to accept in a relationship. What behaviours are red flags, and which behaviours will cause you to end the relationship?
Someone who is narcissistic will not respect boundaries. So if you try to set them, they will continually cross them. They may even be angry that you’re trying to set them in the first place. This should be a massive red flag and cause you to question whether or not to continue the relationship.
Crossing boundaries can look like inappropriate questioning, not respecting your time, not respecting your space, and so on.
Develop Unshakeable Self-Confidence
Developing your self-confidence and sense of self-love is a lifelong journey, however, once you start working on it, start projecting that confidence, narcissists will stop seeing you as someone who can be easily manipulated.
This goes hand in hand with setting boundaries as, if you are confident in what you deserve, you are more able to set firm boundaries and stick to them, and more able to understand when someone is not treating you right.
Seek Professional Support
As with all of these things, the more we can understand why we do the things we do (and attract the relationships we attract) the more able we are to change our behaviours, and develop healthier relationships.
Seeking out a professional, therapeutic relationship can help you to develop your self-awareness, self-confidence, and maintain healthier boundaries, with an unbiased professional opinion on your side.
If you’ve been through a relationship like this and would like to get some support to process it, please click here to get started!
