How Your Childhood Is Still Influencing Your Choices Today
How Childhood Patterns Affect Adult Relationships
Many adults go through life unaware of the unconscious patterns formed in childhood that still shape their relationships today. These patterns often stem from dynamics with emotionally immature parents, who may have lacked the emotional capacity to validate their children's feelings or foster independence. As children, we naturally seek approval from our parents—craving their affection and validation. When this need isn’t consistently met, or when the parent imposes their own emotional needs onto the child, it creates an invisible loyalty. This loyalty keeps us tied to behaviours that served us in childhood but may no longer serve us in adult life.
Without realising it, these patterns can follow us into our romantic, professional, and social relationships, influencing everything from how we interact with others to how we perceive ourselves. The emotional baggage we carry—whether it’s a need for approval, a fear of conflict, or a tendency to suppress our own needs—can deeply affect our happiness, well-being, and ability to form healthy, fulfilling connections.
How It Shows Up: Childhood Dynamics in Adult Life
Let’s explore how these unconscious patterns show up in different areas of life:
Approval-Seeking in Romantic Relationships: If you grew up constantly seeking your parents' approval, you may find yourself repeating this behaviour with a romantic partner. You may suppress your own needs and desires, placing the other person’s happiness above your own. As a result, you could end up in relationships where you feel unappreciated or even resentful, yet unable to break the cycle because you fear rejection or abandonment.
Validation-Seeking in Professional Settings: In the workplace, a pattern of seeking validation from emotionally immature parents can manifest in perfectionism or overworking. You might feel driven to overachieve, never feeling "good enough" no matter how much praise or success you attain. This constant need for external validation can leave you feeling emotionally drained, anxious, and unsatisfied in your career.
Avoiding Conflict in Friendships: If you learned in childhood that conflict would lead to emotional withdrawal or punishment from a parent, you may avoid it at all costs as an adult. This might lead to difficulty setting boundaries with friends or colleagues, and a reluctance to speak up when you feel hurt or wronged. You might go along with others' wishes to avoid confrontation, ultimately feeling overlooked or taken advantage of.
These patterns often go unnoticed because they’re deeply ingrained. You might not even realise that the need for approval or the avoidance of conflict stems from childhood experiences.
Case Study: A Hypothetical Client Example
Take Janice* (a hypothetical client), a woman in her early 30s who came to therapy feeling unfulfilled in her relationships. In her romantic life, Janice noticed a pattern: she was always attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. Each relationship left her feeling emotionally depleted and unappreciated, but she stayed in these relationships longer than she should have. At work, Janice struggled to assert herself in meetings, even though she knew she had valuable ideas. Instead, she sought constant reassurance from her manager and feared speaking up would lead to criticism.
Through therapy, Janice came to realise that these behaviours were rooted in her childhood. Growing up with an emotionally distant mother, Janice had learned to downplay her own needs and emotions in order to keep the peace and earn her mother’s occasional approval. In adulthood, this translated into her difficulty asserting her needs and constantly seeking validation from others.
As we explored this further, Janice began to see how her fear of conflict in relationships and work was linked to the fear of losing the little connection she had with her mother. Recognising this pattern was the first step toward breaking free.
Breaking Free: Recognising and Changing Unconscious Patterns
The good news is that once you become aware of these patterns, you can begin the process of breaking free. Here are some practical steps to get started:
Identify Emotional Triggers: Pay attention to moments when you feel overly anxious, fearful, or hurt in relationships. Ask yourself, "What am I afraid of here? Is this fear familiar from my past?" Often, these triggers are linked to old patterns that originated in childhood.
Practice Self-Reflection: Journaling or meditating on past experiences can help you uncover where certain patterns began. For example, were there moments in childhood when you felt you had to earn love by being perfect or compliant? Reflecting on these memories can help you connect the dots between childhood and current behaviours.
Challenge Old Beliefs: Once you’ve identified a pattern, challenge the beliefs behind it. For example, if you often seek approval, question the idea that you need others to validate your worth. Remind yourself that you’re enough as you are, regardless of external validation.
Set Boundaries: Start small by asserting your needs in low-stakes situations. Whether it’s setting boundaries with a colleague or expressing your true feelings to a friend, each step builds your confidence in living authentically. Over time, these small changes add up to a stronger sense of self and more fulfilling relationships.
Seek Support: Therapy is an essential tool for breaking free from deeply ingrained patterns. A therapist can help you explore these patterns in a safe space, offering guidance as you develop healthier ways of relating to others. Therapy provides both accountability and support, helping you sustain the changes you make.
Conclusion: The Role of Therapy in Breaking Unconscious Patterns
Unresolved patterns from childhood, particularly those formed through emotionally immature parenting, can have a profound impact on our adult lives. But by recognising these patterns, challenging old beliefs, and practising new behaviours, it’s possible to break free and form healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Therapy plays a critical role in this process by providing insight, tools, and support as you navigate this journey. If you’ve noticed patterns in your own relationships that feel familiar or repetitive, it might be time to seek support. Through therapy, you can gain a clearer understanding of these patterns and learn how to create the life and relationships you truly deserve.
If the themes of this article resonate with you [or someone you know] and you’d like one-to-one support to navigate your way through this time, click here to start your therapy journey today.
