This Is Why You’re Always Looking for Approval
Why People Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents Seek Validation
If you’ve ever found yourself constantly seeking validation from others—whether it’s a partner, a boss, or even friends—you’re not alone. Many adults raised by emotionally immature parents experience this deep need for external approval. This need can feel almost insatiable, driving you to seek reassurance from the people around you to feel worthy or “good enough.” But why does this happen?
Children of emotionally immature parents often grow up in environments where their emotional needs weren’t fully met. These parents may have been overly critical, dismissive, or unable to provide consistent emotional support. As a result, you might have learned to seek approval from others to fill that emotional void. When the validation you craved wasn’t available from your parent, you learned to look elsewhere—trying to get that reassurance from relationships, work, or social interactions.
This pattern of seeking external validation can persist into adulthood, affecting self-esteem and relationships. The good news is that once you understand where this need comes from, you can take steps to break the cycle and start validating yourself from within.
The Roots of Approval-Seeking: Childhood Dynamics that Shape Adult Behaviour
The need for validation often stems from specific childhood dynamics, especially in families where parents were emotionally unavailable or overly critical. Here’s how these dynamics can shape your adult behaviour:
Emotionally Unavailable Parents: If your parent was emotionally distant, preoccupied with their own issues, or unable to provide consistent emotional support, you may have learned that love and approval were conditional. This could have left you feeling insecure about your worth, constantly seeking reassurance from others to confirm that you were “enough.” When children don’t receive adequate emotional nurturing, they often grow up feeling emotionally starved, resulting in a lifelong search for approval.
Overly Critical Parents: On the other hand, if your parent was highly critical, constantly pointing out your flaws or failures, you may have internalised the belief that you’re never good enough. This can lead to perfectionism and a constant need for external validation as an adult. You might work excessively hard to please others, hoping to gain the approval you never received as a child. Unfortunately, no amount of praise or success feels sufficient because the underlying issue—self-worth—remains unresolved.
Conditional Love: In some cases, emotionally immature parents provide love conditionally, meaning their affection and attention are only given when the child meets certain expectations. This can teach the child that approval must be earned, fostering a sense of inadequacy that leads to approval-seeking in adult relationships. You may find yourself doing things you don’t truly want to do—taking on extra work, bending over backwards for a partner, or suppressing your true feelings—just to avoid the fear of losing someone’s approval.
These childhood dynamics create deeply ingrained patterns that can be difficult to break, but they are not impossible to change. The first step is recognising the signs of approval-seeking behaviour in your life today.
Signs You’re Seeking Approval: How to Identify the Behaviour
You might not always be aware that you’re seeking approval, as it can be subtle and ingrained in your daily interactions. Here are some common signs that approval-seeking may be affecting your personal and professional life:
Overworking or Perfectionism: Do you feel the need to be perfect at work, going above and beyond what’s required just to receive praise? Perfectionism is often a sign of approval-seeking, where you place your self-worth in your accomplishments and external recognition. If you’re constantly overworking or feel anxiety about not meeting others' expectations, it’s a sign that you may be relying too heavily on external validation.
Difficulty Saying “No”: If you find it hard to say “no” to requests, even when you’re overwhelmed or it doesn’t feel right, you may be seeking approval. You might fear that saying “no” will lead to rejection or disappointment from others, so you sacrifice your own needs to avoid conflict and maintain a positive image.
Changing Yourself to Fit In: Do you often adjust your behaviour, opinions, or appearance to fit in with others? This is a common form of approval-seeking, where you prioritise others’ opinions over your own authentic self. It might show up in social settings where you go along with the crowd even if you don’t agree, or in relationships where you suppress your true thoughts to avoid criticism.
Constantly Seeking Reassurance: If you frequently ask others for reassurance—whether it’s about your appearance, your work, or your decisions—you may be relying on external validation to feel secure. While it’s normal to seek feedback occasionally, constantly needing reassurance is a sign that you’re looking for approval to affirm your self-worth.
Avoiding Conflict: People who seek approval often avoid conflict at all costs. You might suppress your own needs, avoid difficult conversations, or agree to things you don’t truly want to do in order to avoid disappointing or angering others. This avoidance of conflict is often rooted in a fear of rejection or disapproval.
If you recognise yourself in these behaviours, you’re not alone. Approval-seeking is a common response to childhood experiences, but it’s important to understand that it doesn’t define your worth. The next step is learning how to break the cycle.
Breaking the Cycle: Building Self-Validation
Breaking free from approval-seeking requires building self-validation—learning to trust and affirm your own worth without relying on others. Here are some practical strategies to help you begin that process:
Practise Mindfulness: Mindfulness involves becoming aware of your thoughts, emotions, and triggers without judgment. When you notice yourself seeking approval, pause and reflect on what’s driving that need. Are you feeling insecure? Is there an underlying fear of rejection or failure? By practising mindfulness, you can begin to recognise the patterns that lead to approval-seeking and make more conscious choices about how you respond.
Set Boundaries: One of the most empowering ways to break free from approval-seeking is by setting boundaries. This means saying “no” when something doesn’t align with your needs or values, even if it feels uncomfortable. Boundaries help you prioritise your own well-being and create a sense of self-respect. Start with small boundaries in low-stakes situations, and gradually work your way up to more challenging ones, such as setting limits with a partner or boss.
Affirm Your Own Worth: Begin practising self-validation by affirming your own worth. Instead of waiting for others to praise you or reassure you, start recognising your accomplishments and strengths. This could involve keeping a daily journal where you note things you did well or simply giving yourself a mental pat on the back for navigating difficult situations. Over time, this practice can help shift your focus from external validation to internal validation.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Often, approval-seeking is driven by negative beliefs about yourself, such as “I’m not good enough” or “People will reject me if I don’t please them.” Start challenging these beliefs by questioning their validity. Are these thoughts based on facts, or are they old patterns from childhood? Replacing negative self-talk with more realistic and compassionate thoughts can help you feel more secure in your own worth.
Therapy and Emotional Support: Working with a therapist can provide invaluable support as you work to break approval-seeking patterns. A therapist can help you explore the roots of your need for validation, offer tools to build self-worth and provide a safe space to practise setting boundaries and affirming yourself. Therapy also offers accountability and support during this process of change, helping you sustain the progress you make.
Conclusion: Building Self-Validation Takes Time
Breaking free from approval-seeking and building self-validation is a journey that takes time, patience, and practice. It’s important to remember that these patterns were developed over many years and served a purpose during your childhood, but they no longer serve you today.
As you work to shift your focus from external validation to self-validation, know that setbacks are normal and progress doesn’t have to be perfect. The key is to keep practising self-awareness, boundaries, and self-compassion. Therapy can be an essential part of this process, helping you to navigate the challenges and celebrate the victories along the way.
If you’ve recognised yourself in the signs of approval-seeking, consider reaching out for therapeutic support. Together, we can explore these patterns, build your self-worth from within, and help you create healthier, more fulfilling relationships moving forward.
