Breaking Free From Your Past
Understanding Unconscious Patterns
Unconscious patterns are deeply ingrained behaviours or emotional responses that develop in childhood and continue to shape our adult relationships. These patterns often form as a response to early experiences, especially in the context of emotionally immature parents. For example, a child who grew up with a parent who was dismissive or controlling may develop coping mechanisms such as people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or suppressing their own needs in an effort to maintain peace.
These behaviours can become so automatic that, as adults, we don’t even realise they’re driving our choices and reactions. The childlike need for validation, approval, or fear of rejection persists, influencing how we interact with others in our personal and professional lives. As a result, we might find ourselves in a cycle of unfulfilling relationships, constantly seeking approval from partners or bosses, or feeling trapped by an inability to assert ourselves.
The first step in breaking free from these unconscious patterns is recognising that they exist. By bringing them into conscious awareness, we can start to make different, healthier choices in our relationships.
Identifying Unconscious Patterns: How to Recognise These Behaviours
The challenge with unconscious patterns is that they’re so ingrained that we don’t see them for what they are. However, there are several ways you can begin to identify these patterns:
Recognising Emotional Triggers: Pay attention to situations that evoke strong emotional reactions, especially those that feel disproportionate to the event. For example, if you feel overly anxious when your partner disagrees with you, or you experience intense guilt when saying "no" to a request, it could be a sign that an unconscious pattern is at play. These emotional reactions are often tied to unresolved childhood experiences where you may have learned that disagreement led to rejection, or that your worth was tied to how much you pleased others.
Journaling about Childhood Experiences: Journaling can be a powerful tool for connecting the dots between your past and present behaviour. Reflect on your childhood and how your parents or caregivers treated you emotionally. Were they emotionally available? Did they allow you to express yourself, or did you feel like you had to suppress your emotions to avoid conflict? Write about these memories and how they may relate to how you interact with people today. This process of self-reflection can help uncover patterns that may have been invisible until now.
Reflecting on Recurring Relationship Issues: If you notice that the same problems keep arising in your relationships—whether romantic, professional, or social—this could be a sign of an unconscious pattern. For example, you might find yourself repeatedly drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, or constantly find yourself in conflict with authority figures at work. These recurring issues can provide valuable clues about the patterns you’ve carried over from childhood.
Noticing Your Body's Response: Our bodies often react to emotional triggers before we consciously understand what’s happening. Pay attention to physical sensations such as tension, a racing heart, or tightness in your chest when you feel emotionally triggered. These responses may be tied to past trauma or unresolved emotional experiences that are influencing your current behaviour.
Steps to Break the Cycle: Practical Ways to Change Unconscious Patterns
Once you’ve identified these unconscious patterns, the next step is to begin changing them. This process takes time and self-compassion, but with consistent effort, it’s possible to break free from ingrained behaviours.
Conscious Decision-Making: One of the most important aspects of breaking unconscious patterns is making more conscious choices in your relationships. When you notice a familiar emotional trigger, pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now? Is this reaction based on the present situation, or is it tied to something from my past?” This moment of awareness allows you to step back from automatic responses and choose a healthier way to react. For example, instead of immediately seeking approval, you might remind yourself that you are enough as you are and that your worth isn’t tied to external validation.
Setting Boundaries: Many unconscious patterns, especially those related to emotionally immature parents, involve a lack of boundaries. You may have learned to say “yes” to everything in order to keep the peace or avoid conflict, but this behaviour often leads to resentment and burnout in adult relationships. Practice setting small boundaries, such as saying “no” when something doesn’t feel right or expressing your needs to a partner or friend. The more you practise boundary-setting, the more confident you’ll become in asserting yourself.
Developing Self-Awareness: Building self-awareness is key to recognising when unconscious patterns are influencing your behaviour. This involves regularly checking in with yourself and asking, “Why am I doing this? Is this really what I want, or am I acting out of habit or fear?” Mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing, or simply taking a few moments of stillness each day can help you become more attuned to your internal emotional landscape. Over time, this self-awareness can empower you to make more intentional choices in your relationships.
Practising Self-Compassion: Changing unconscious patterns can be a challenging and emotional process. As you work through these behaviours, it’s essential to practise self-compassion. Understand that these patterns were developed as coping mechanisms in childhood to protect yourself, and they don’t define your worth. Treat yourself with kindness and patience, and remember that progress doesn’t have to be perfect. Celebrate the small victories, and don’t be discouraged by setbacks.
Seeking Therapeutic Support: Sometimes, unconscious patterns are so deeply ingrained that it can be difficult to break free without external support. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore these patterns, gain insights into their origins, and develop healthier coping strategies. A therapist can help you identify blind spots, offer new perspectives, and guide you through the process of healing and change.
Conclusion: Breaking Free from Unconscious Patterns with Therapy
Unconscious patterns developed in childhood can have a profound impact on your adult relationships, but they don’t have to define your future. By bringing these behaviours into conscious awareness, practising self-reflection, and setting boundaries, you can begin to break the cycle and live a more fulfilling, authentic life.
Therapy is a powerful tool for identifying and overcoming these patterns. Whether you’re struggling with approval-seeking, difficulty setting boundaries, or recurring relationship issues, working with a therapist can provide the guidance and support you need to change these behaviours for good. If you’ve recognised yourself in the patterns described here, consider reaching out for professional help. Together, we can work towards breaking free from the past and creating healthier, more meaningful relationships moving forward.
If the themes of this article resonate with you [or someone you know] and you’d like one-to-one support to navigate your way through this time, click here to start your therapy journey today.
