Getting Your Mum’s Voice Out Of Your Head
The Pressure to Live According to Parental Expectations
Many adults feel a constant pressure to live according to their parents’ expectations, even well into adulthood. This pressure can manifest in various aspects of life—career choices, relationships, lifestyle, and even personal values. The sense of obligation to meet these expectations can be overwhelming, often leading to feelings of inadequacy or guilt if you deviate from the path your parents envisioned for you.
For individuals raised by emotionally immature parents, this pressure is even more pronounced. Emotionally immature parents may have been overly controlling, critical, or dismissive of their child’s individuality. As a result, many adults find themselves trying to live up to these unrealistic or outdated expectations long after they’ve grown up, prioritising their parents’ desires over their own happiness.
But living life according to someone else’s expectations can prevent you from discovering your true self and pursuing a life that genuinely fulfils you. Breaking free from these expectations is an important step toward living authentically and finding happiness on your own terms.
How Parental Expectations Shape You: The Influence of Emotionally Immature Parents
Emotionally immature parents often place their needs, desires, or beliefs ahead of their children’s, creating a dynamic where the child feels responsible for meeting their parents' expectations, even if it comes at the cost of their own needs. This dynamic can shape your sense of self in profound ways:
Conditional Love and Approval: Emotionally immature parents may provide love and approval only when their child meets certain expectations. This conditional approval teaches the child that their worth is tied to how well they conform to their parents’ ideals, whether that’s achieving a certain career, choosing a specific lifestyle, or adopting the family’s values. As an adult, you may find yourself constantly seeking your parents' validation, even when it conflicts with your own desires.
Parental Projection: In some cases, emotionally immature parents project their own unmet dreams or unresolved issues onto their child. They might expect their child to achieve the success they never had or live out the life they always wanted. This projection creates a heavy burden on the child to fulfil roles that were never meant for them, leading to feelings of inadequacy or confusion about their true identity.
Fear of Rejection or Disappointment: When a parent’s love and approval feel conditional, children grow up fearing rejection or disappointment if they fail to meet expectations. This fear often lingers into adulthood, making it difficult to make decisions that conflict with what their parents want. Whether it’s choosing a different career path or making personal choices like where to live or who to marry, many adults feel trapped by the fear of losing their parents' approval.
This pressure can leave you feeling disconnected from your true self, stuck in a cycle of trying to meet expectations that no longer serve you (if they ever did). But living in alignment with someone else’s values often leads to dissatisfaction, burnout, and a lack of fulfilment.
Living Authentically: Identifying What Truly Matters to You
Living authentically means making choices based on your own values, desires, and beliefs, rather than conforming to what others expect of you. It requires a shift in focus—from seeking external approval to trusting your own inner voice. This can be challenging, especially if you’ve spent much of your life trying to live up to your parents’ expectations, but it is a crucial step toward reclaiming your autonomy and happiness.
Here’s how to start identifying what truly matters to you:
Reflect on Your Values: Begin by asking yourself what values are most important to you. These could be things like creativity, independence, integrity, or personal growth. Compare these values to the expectations your parents have for you. Are you living in alignment with your own values, or are you following a path that was chosen for you? Reflection is the first step toward understanding where your true priorities lie.
Examine Your Desires: Think about the decisions you’ve made in your life—whether in your career, relationships, or personal life. Are these decisions truly reflective of your desires, or were they influenced by what you thought would make your parents happy? Start to question the choices you’ve made and whether they serve your authentic self. This can help you reconnect with your own desires, which may have been buried under years of external pressure.
Reconnect with Your Passions: Many people lose touch with their passions or interests while trying to meet their parents’ expectations. Take time to rediscover what genuinely excites and fulfils you. What hobbies, goals, or dreams did you have as a child or teenager before external expectations took over? These passions can serve as a guide toward living a more authentic life.
Trust Your Gut: Learning to trust your instincts is a key part of living authentically. Your intuition often knows what’s right for you, even if it conflicts with external expectations. Start practising small acts of self-trust by following your gut in everyday decisions, and gradually build confidence in making bigger life choices that align with your true self.
Steps Toward Autonomy: Taking Control of Your Life
Breaking free from parental expectations and living authentically takes time and effort. Here are some steps you can take to start reclaiming your autonomy:
Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries is essential for breaking free from parental expectations. This may mean saying “no” to requests or decisions that don’t align with your values, or creating emotional distance to protect your mental health. Boundaries help you prioritise your own needs and make decisions that serve your well-being, even if it means disappointing your parents.
Practise Self-Reflection: Regularly engage in self-reflection to check in with yourself and evaluate whether you’re living in alignment with your true desires. Journaling, meditation, or simply taking time for quiet contemplation can help you stay grounded in your own values and identify when you’re being pulled back into old patterns of seeking approval.
Make Decisions Based on Personal Values: Start making conscious decisions that reflect your personal values, even in small ways. Whether it’s choosing how to spend your free time, setting goals that excite you, or pursuing a career path that resonates with you, each choice moves you closer to living a life that’s true to who you are. Don’t be afraid to deviate from the path your parents set out for you—your happiness depends on making decisions that feel right for you.
Work Through Guilt and Fear: It’s natural to feel guilty or fearful when you start living in a way that goes against your parents’ expectations. After all, you’ve been conditioned to prioritise their approval for most of your life. Acknowledge these feelings without letting them control you. Therapy can be an effective way to work through these emotions, helping you process the guilt and fear so they don’t hold you back from living authentically.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage you to be your true self. Whether it’s friends, a partner, or a therapist, having a network of people who accept you as you are can help ease the transition from living for others to living for yourself.
Conclusion: Reclaim Your Life with Therapy as a Supportive Tool
Living according to parental expectations can feel like a lifelong burden, but it’s never too late to reclaim your autonomy and live authentically. By identifying what truly matters to you, setting boundaries, and making decisions that reflect your personal values, you can start living a life that is true to who you are—one that brings you joy, fulfilment, and a sense of freedom.
Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this journey, offering a safe space to explore your feelings, process guilt, and build the confidence to live life on your own terms. If you’re ready to take steps toward autonomy and break free from the expectations that no longer serve you, consider seeking therapeutic support. Together, we can work through the challenges of living authentically and help you create a life that aligns with your true self.
