Your Childhood is Impacting Your Parenting Style
Parenting is often described as one of life’s most rewarding journeys, but it can also be one of the most challenging!
If you’ve ever caught yourself reacting in a way that doesn’t align with the parent you want to be—maybe snapping in frustration or feeling overly responsible for your child’s emotions—you’re not alone. These moments often stem from our own unresolved childhood experiences, which subtly shape the way we interact with and nurture our children.
You might be here, reading this article, because you’re considering taking the leap into becoming a parent, but you’re scared that your own upbringing will negatively impact your parenting style! Fear not, and keep reading, because this isn’t necessarily the case!
Exploring how your upbringing impacts your parenting style is a powerful first step in breaking old patterns and fostering a healthier relationship with your child.
The Weight of Unresolved Childhood Experiences
The way we were parented creates a blueprint for how we see the world and interact with others. If your own childhood was marked by emotionally immature parenting—perhaps your parent dismissed your feelings, was overly critical, or relied on you to meet their emotional needs—those experiences might still echo in your approach to parenting today.
Unresolved emotional wounds can manifest in different ways, such as struggling to set boundaries, feeling overly critical of yourself or your child, or finding it difficult to validate your child’s emotions because you weren’t taught how to do so yourself.
Recognising these patterns isn’t about blaming yourself; it’s about understanding where they come from so you can consciously choose to do things differently.
Understanding Parenting Triggers
Parenting triggers are emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to the situation at hand. These triggers often link back to unmet needs or painful experiences from your own childhood. Very often, parents find themselves disproportionately upset or angry at their child for doing something that they were told off for in childhood (such as “talking back”).
Common parenting triggers include:
Feeling overly responsible for your child’s emotions. If you were made to feel responsible for your parent’s emotions as a child, you might find it hard to let your child navigate their own feelings without stepping in to “fix” things.
Perfectionism and self-criticism. Growing up with high expectations or constant criticism can leave you feeling like you’re never “good enough” as a parent. Or, on the contrary, you might hold your child to very high expectations as well because that’s all you’ve ever known.
Overreacting to defiance or mistakes. If you were punished harshly for stepping out of line, you might feel triggered when your child asserts their independence or makes mistakes. This may be triggering you because part of you wants to protect them from being told off or punished by your own parents. It’s the part of you that was scared of being punished in childhood (or remembers being punished) and wants to help your child avoid that by correcting their “bad” behaviour swiftly. However, you are the parent now, not your own parents, so it’s up to you to decide what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable and how you’re going to deal with it.
These triggers can be exhausting and leave you questioning your abilities as a parent. The key is to notice when they arise and approach them with curiosity rather than judgement.
Managing Emotional Triggers in Parenting
Recognising your triggers is an important first step, but managing them is where true transformation happens. Here are a few strategies to help you navigate these emotional moments:
1. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness can help you pause and observe your reactions before responding. When you feel triggered, try grounding yourself with a few deep breaths or a simple body scan. Ask yourself: What am I really feeling right now? Does this situation remind me of something from my own childhood?
2. Build Self-Awareness
Reflect on your parenting patterns and consider how your upbringing may influence them. Journaling can be a helpful tool to explore your thoughts and emotions. Writing down your triggers and how they make you feel can bring clarity and help you identify recurring themes.
3. Seek Support in Therapy
Therapy offers a safe space to explore unresolved emotional issues and learn healthier ways to respond to your triggers. Working through these challenges can empower you to parent with greater empathy and confidence.
4. Focus on Repair Over Perfection
It’s important to remember that no parent is perfect—and you don’t need to be. When you make a mistake, use it as an opportunity to model repair. Apologise to your child, explain your feelings, and show them how to navigate conflict and emotions in a healthy way.
The Greatest Gift
Parenting is as much about nurturing your own growth as it is about raising your child. By working through your emotional challenges, you’re not only creating a healthier relationship with your child—you’re also healing parts of yourself that have long been neglected.
Breaking free from the patterns of your own childhood isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most meaningful gifts you can give your child. Start small. Reflect on your triggers, seek support when you need it, and celebrate the progress you make along the way. Remember, every step you take towards becoming a more mindful, emotionally present parent makes a difference.
