Parenting Differently From Your Parents
Growing up with an emotionally immature parent often leaves a profound mark. Perhaps you were raised by someone who struggled with expressing empathy, dismissed your feelings, or relied on you to meet their emotional needs.
These experiences can create a complex mix of emotions as you become a parent yourself—determined to do things differently but unsure how to navigate uncharted territory.
The good news? You can break the cycle and foster a healthier, more connected relationship with your child.
Understanding the Cycle of Emotional Immaturity
Emotional immaturity in parenting often manifests as a lack of awareness or empathy toward a child’s emotional world. Parents may focus on their own needs, avoid uncomfortable emotions, or respond to their child in ways that feel dismissive or critical.
If we’re not careful, these behaviours can become entrenched, passed down from generation to generation. You may find yourself unintentionally repeating patterns—raising your voice in frustration, ignoring your child’s emotional bids, or feeling overwhelmed by their needs.
Breaking this cycle starts with recognising how these behaviours affected you.
If you’ve ever felt unseen, unheard, or responsible for someone else’s emotions, this awareness is a powerful first step. It allows you to consciously choose a new way forward.
Healthier Parenting Practices
Parenting differently requires intention, patience, and a willingness to grow alongside your child. Breaking these cycles isn’t an easy thing to do; you are literally turning yourself into a barrier between your past and your child’s future and re-parenting yourself while you parent your child - but it is so worth it!
Here are a few healthier practices to help you shift the dynamic.
1. Practice Emotional Validation
Children need to feel heard and understood. Instead of dismissing their emotions with phrases like, “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal,” try saying, “I can see you’re really upset. It’s okay to feel that way.”
This simple shift helps your child feel safe expressing their feelings and builds trust. They will learn that you can handle their emotions, that you’re a safe person for them to go to, and -in turn (as they grow older) - they will learn to trust that they can feel, express, and handle their own emotions.
2. Foster Open Communication
Emotionally immature parents often avoid difficult conversations or react very defensively. In your childhood (or even as an adult), you may have felt shut down or dismissed by your parent, which is likely to have made it more difficult to go to them in moments of vulnerability in the future.
In contrast, healthy communication invites curiosity and mutual understanding. When your child shares something challenging, try opening up the conversation by asking questions like, “What made you feel that way?” or simply by reflecting “Oh, that sounds interesting, can you tell me more?”. Let them know that their thoughts and opinions are valid and valued, even if they differ from your own.
3. Model Self-Regulation
Children learn how to handle big emotions by watching their caregivers. If you feel triggered, pause and take a deep breath before responding. Naming your own emotions out loud—“I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a moment to calm down”—shows your child it’s normal to have feelings and teaches them how to manage theirs. Remember that no feelings are “bad” feelings - it’s all about how we handle and express them.
4. Encourage Independence
Emotionally immature parents often hold their children too close, discouraging independence out of their own unmet needs. A healthier approach involves gradually giving your child autonomy while remaining a supportive presence. For example, let them make small decisions like choosing their outfit or snack, and celebrate their efforts rather than the outcome.
Why Breaking the Cycle Matters
Repeating emotionally immature patterns not only affects your child but perpetuates a family dynamic that prioritises self-preservation over connection. It can lead to children growing up with low self-esteem, difficulty forming healthy relationships, and an inability to manage emotions.
When you choose to parent differently, you create a foundation for emotional safety and growth. This doesn’t mean being perfect—far from it. It means showing up consistently with love, curiosity, and a willingness to repair when mistakes happen. Over time, these small shifts can have a profound impact, fostering resilience, confidence, and a deep bond between you and your child.
Taking the First Steps
Breaking the cycle can feel daunting, but you don’t need to overhaul everything at once. Small, intentional steps add up over time. Here’s how you can start:
Reflect on your triggers. Notice the moments when you feel overwhelmed or reactive, and ask yourself if these feelings stem from your own upbringing.
Prioritise repair. When you make a mistake (because you will!), apologise and talk through what happened with your child. We are always aiming for communication and understanding over perfection.
Seek support. Whether it’s therapy, parenting books, or a supportive community, surrounding yourself with resources can help you stay on track.
Celebrate progress. Acknowledge your efforts, even if they feel small. Each step you take toward healthier parenting is a victory worth celebrating!
Breaking the cycle of emotionally immature parenting is no small task, but it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give your child—and yourself. By creating a home where emotions are understood and connection is prioritised, you’re not just building a healthier family dynamic; you’re also healing parts of yourself that have long needed attention.
